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I've been married for 15 years, but I've spent many of those alone. My husband, Dustin, is in the military, which means he's committed to me and Uncle Sam (though not necessarily in that order)。
I had mostly grown used to Dustin's here-this-week/deployed-the-next routine, but in 2011, he left for his longest deployment yet: 13 months. Our boys were 4, 9 and 11 years old, and by the time Dustin came back, he had missed seven family birthdays, two Thanksgivings, one Christmas, our anniversary, countless Little League games and our youngest son's first day of kindergarten。
On paper, I had a partner in parenting. In practice, however, I was parenting alone, and it wasn't easy. Indeed, that year gave me greater appreciation for what real single parents must go through every day。
1. Single parents can't be in two places at once。
Seems obvious, right? Not to a 4-year-old。
Even when I tried to split my time between ball games, I always missed someone's great hit or catch. Plus, after years of telling my kids not to get in the car with strangers ("not even parents of friends who seem familiar but are basically strangers")， I was suddenly coordinating rides home for my boys with people I barely knew. Out of desperation, I had to weigh the options: leave my son sitting in an empty parking lot for 20 minutes while I crossed town again after getting his brother? Or let him ride home with a teammate's parent I didn't really know that well?
Eventually, I took the whole "it takes a village" concept quite literally (see #5)。
2. Single parents have no relief pitcher。
At 5:00 -- the well-known "witching hour" for young children -- when I was tired from work and the pantry was bare, there was no one to help me divide and conquer. Even when I had a fever or a migraine, I was the only one responsible for keeping three children alive (easy) and well-adjusted (difficult)。
I wanted a relief pitcher who didn't cost $10 per hour. I wanted to not carry 100 percent of the load 100 percent of the time. I wanted someone to say, "I've got this; you can take the bench for a while."
3. Single parents can't be "good cop" and "bad cop" at the same time。
My breaking point came during a baseball game. Owen, 10, was sulking on the field, and teammates had yelled at him. My instinct was to run out to right field and hug him, to tell him he's #1 in my book。
Then I thought about my husband。
"Get your head in the game," he would have shouted from the bleachers. Or, "There's no sulking in baseball!"
Later, I felt like I had two heads as I tried to play both roles for Owen: "You're the best, honey... when you're not whining on the baseball field."
4. Single parents eat alone sometimes。
There are many lonely people at dinnertime. Some of those lonely people are single parents。
Think about it: when the kids are at camp or sleeping at a friend's house, we married people delight in a kid-free night with our spouse. But when my husband was gone and the kids were away, too, the house was uncomfortably quiet as I ate my dinner alone。
The kids, I realized, were my comfort and company, and that brought its own set of problems: should the kids be my comfort and company?
I decided the answer was no, and I learned to be by myself -- much more difficult than it seems after 15 years of being someone's wife or mom 24/7. Single parents must have an excellent sense of self!
(You can read about more ways we filled the empty place at the dinner table here。)
5. Single parents might want your help。
It's hard to ask for help. Everyone has challenges, and everyone feels tired and stressed. So I often wondered, "Why should anyone help me?" It seemed silly and insignificant to ask for help getting one boy to practice or another to a game. I mean, other people have realproblems, right? (And maybe, from other people's perspectives, it seemed silly and insignificant to offer help with these things。)
But when anyone did ask, "Can I help you with _____?" and I accepted, it felt like a gift for both of us, but mostly for the children, because our community had just gotten bigger.
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我結(jié)婚15年了，但大多數(shù)時(shí)間里我都是獨(dú)自一人。我丈夫達(dá)斯汀在軍隊(duì)，這意味著他不僅與我立下婚誓共度此生，也立誓為山姆大叔盡職效力。
達(dá)斯汀的工作使他常常只在家待上一周，接著就要接受軍隊(duì)部署，我也幾乎習(xí)慣了他這樣不安定的工作狀態(tài)。然而在2011年時(shí)，達(dá)斯汀離家的時(shí)間長(zhǎng)達(dá)前所未有的13個(gè)月。那時(shí)我們的三個(gè)兒子分別是四歲，九歲和十一歲，等到達(dá)斯汀回家時(shí)，他便已經(jīng)錯(cuò)過(guò)七次家庭成員的生日，兩個(gè)感恩節(jié)，一個(gè)圣誕節(jié)，以及我們的結(jié)婚紀(jì)念日，數(shù)不清的少年棒球聯(lián)盟的比賽，還有我們最小的兒子第一天上幼兒園的日子。
在養(yǎng)育孩子方面，理論上來(lái)說(shuō)我擁有合作的伴侶，但事實(shí)上，只有我一個(gè)，而這實(shí)屬不易。的確，達(dá)斯汀不在的那一年讓我由衷感受到了一個(gè)真正的單親家長(zhǎng)[微博]每天所必須經(jīng)歷的事。
1.單親家長(zhǎng)難以分身兩地
很明顯的道理，對(duì)吧?但對(duì)于四歲的孩子來(lái)說(shuō)并非如此。
即使我在孩子們的球賽過(guò)程中盡力去關(guān)注每一個(gè)時(shí)刻，我還是常常錯(cuò)過(guò)他們中某一個(gè)的精彩擊打和接球瞬間。此外，在我叮囑了孩子們好多年不要乘坐陌生人(包括他們朋友們的家長(zhǎng)，雖然見(jiàn)過(guò)，但其實(shí)不熟)的車之后，我突然間不得不安排他們坐那些我?guī)缀醪徽J(rèn)識(shí)的人的車回家。我毫無(wú)辦法，只能權(quán)衡再三做出選擇：是讓我的孩子坐在空蕩蕩的的停車場(chǎng)二十分鐘，等著我駕車穿過(guò)市區(qū)去接另一個(gè)回來(lái)，還是讓他坐隊(duì)友父母的車回家，盡管我對(duì)對(duì)方還不是很了解?
最終，我全然接受了“舉全村之力，養(yǎng)一個(gè)孩子”的觀念。(見(jiàn)第5點(diǎn))
2. 單親家長(zhǎng)沒(méi)有替補(bǔ)投手
在5點(diǎn)，小孩子們眾所周知的“魔力小時(shí)”，我工作到筋疲力竭，家里的食物已經(jīng)吃光，卻沒(méi)有誰(shuí)能幫我一把。即使我發(fā)燒或者偏頭痛，我也是這個(gè)家里唯一一個(gè)去負(fù)責(zé)讓三個(gè)孩子活著并且得到精心照料的人。(前者簡(jiǎn)單，后者則很難)
我希望能有一個(gè)像棒球賽場(chǎng)上的替補(bǔ)投手那樣的人來(lái)幫我，不用每小時(shí)10美元的高額傭金。我希望不用每時(shí)每刻承擔(dān)百分之百的負(fù)荷，有讓我喘息的時(shí)間。我希望有人來(lái)對(duì)我說(shuō)：“這里我來(lái)就好，你去坐下休息一會(huì)兒。”
3.單親家長(zhǎng)無(wú)法同時(shí)成為“好警察”和“壞警察”
一場(chǎng)棒球比賽挑戰(zhàn)了我的極限。我十歲的兒子歐文在賽場(chǎng)上悶悶不樂(lè)，他的隊(duì)友們朝他大喊大叫。我的本能驅(qū)使我要馬上沖進(jìn)賽場(chǎng)上抱住他，告訴他在我心里他是最棒的。然后我就想起了我的丈夫。
“用心打你的比賽!” 他會(huì)在看臺(tái)上這樣喊道�；蚴�，“打棒球可不準(zhǔn)鬧脾氣!”
于是我感覺(jué)自己好像有了兩種思想，我盡力去為歐文同時(shí)扮演不同的角色，告訴他：“寶貝，你是最棒的……但除非你不在賽場(chǎng)上哭泣。”
4.單親家長(zhǎng)有時(shí)獨(dú)自吃飯
吃飯時(shí)間會(huì)有許多人孤身一人，其中一部分就是單親家長(zhǎng)。
試想一下，當(dāng)孩子去學(xué)�；蚴窃谂笥鸭疫^(guò)夜時(shí)，做父母的就能夠與伴侶享受愉快的二人世界。然而對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，丈夫和孩子們都不在時(shí)，我一個(gè)人吃飯，家中出奇地靜，讓我不安。
我意識(shí)到，孩子們就是我的慰藉與陪伴，而這又引出這個(gè)結(jié)論本身的一個(gè)問(wèn)題：我應(yīng)該把孩子們當(dāng)做我的慰藉和陪伴嗎?
不，我想我不該這樣，而是學(xué)會(huì)了做我自己——在做了15年別人的妻子或者母親之后，要學(xué)會(huì)這一點(diǎn)其實(shí)不容易。單身家長(zhǎng)們必須具備明確的自我意識(shí)。
5.單親家長(zhǎng)也許需要你的幫助
請(qǐng)求幫忙不容易。每個(gè)人都有難處，都會(huì)感到疲倦和壓力。因此我常想：“為什么非要有人來(lái)幫助我呢?” 請(qǐng)求某人來(lái)幫忙送孩子去訓(xùn)練或者比賽這種事情顯得有些愚蠢且毫無(wú)意義。我是說(shuō)，其他人也有重要的事要忙吧?(并且，也許從他們的角度來(lái)說(shuō)，為了這些事情提供幫助也同樣不值得。)
但是當(dāng)某人真正問(wèn)起：“是否需要我?guī)湍?hellip;…?” 然后我欣然接受時(shí)，那感覺(jué)就好像我們彼此都得到了一份饋贈(zèng)，但受益最多的還是孩子們，因?yàn)檎侨绱�，我們舉眾人之力來(lái)養(yǎng)育孩子的力量又更加壯大了。
