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Ever wondered how to navigate the etiquette of going to the loo on a date or, even worse, in bed? This new book tackles the last taboo in dating。
When navigating the dating terrain, the potential minefields are endless. When do you make the first move? Is it too early to meet the parents?
But judging by the popularity of a new book, we're often preoccupied with explosive issues of a different kind. ‘How to Poo on a First Date’, has become an Amazon sensation, and is dedicated solely to issues of the heart and bowels。
The 5 dating bible, published by Prion, promises to solve all your toilet conundrums, from what to do if the urge arises at an awkward moment to how best to cover up any unromantic odours。
The authors, credited only as Mats and Enzo, spent five years researching this work of lavatory-related genius。
‘One of the secrets of seduction (and this goes as much for a first date as for the rest of the relationship) is to stay faultless at all times,’ the relationship scholars write in the book’s intro。
‘However, you are made of flesh and bone and this means that yes, sometimes you have to go to the loo。
'This vital human requirement remains strangely taboo in modern society, and it can ruin a blooming or well-established relationship in an instant.’
To illustrate the point the book kicks off with a cautionary tale. So confident in his relationship was Tom, a friend of the authors, that he started talking to his girlfriend with the toilet door open。
Needless to say, Tom’s ‘monumental error of judgement’ means he's now single。
‘We could no longer allow something as banal as going to the toilet to continue to destroy millions of perfectly good relationships,’ the authors explain, thus ‘How to Poo...’ was squeezed out between them。
The authors acknowledge that women are much more advanced in their toilet behaviour than men and have successfully perpetuated the myth that they never do number twos or let off wind。
With that in mind Mats and Enzo have been chivalrous enough to write the part of the toilet perpetrator as a male throughout the 144-page guide. But they do point out that the gender is interchangeable in all examples。
The book, which is the third in the ‘How to Poo...’ trilogy, (hot on the heels of ‘How to Poo at Work’ and ‘How to Poo on Holiday’,) covers what to do if you need the loo in scenarios including a cocktail party, in a Gondola or on an aeroplane。
But if you’re hoping their five years of research has unearthed some game-changing advice, don’t cross your, erm, legs。
The book's advice on how to nip to the loo without alerting your date that you have any unsavoury biological requirements, is convoluted to say the least。
If you have a pressing predicament while on an aeroplane for a romantic weekend away the advice reads as follows:
'Come closer to her [or him]. Slide one hand under the thigh and squeeze very strongly at the knee. The pain will make them scream and they will jump up in their seat.'
Still following? The idea is to then jump up with your date and spill as much of your meal as you can to give you the perfect alibi for needed a loo-stop。
At a cocktail party, the book suggests excusing oneself by using one of following: ‘I’ll just pop for a refill’,
‘I’m going to pick up some petits fours’ or ‘Excuse me, I must have a word with...'
If you find your date in awkward position when the urge to 'left off steam' arises, don't panic -- simply turn to page 113 in your manual。
And it’s at pains to point out that ensuring nobody sees you leaving the loo is as important as going incognito as you enter – a common mistake of the party poo-er。
The advice goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when covering empty bog-roll emergencies, by suggesting one rips off wallpaper from behind the radiator。
To overcome an unattractive odour? ‘Quickly find a bottle of perfume and spray yourself with it. Use generously. Find and embrace your date, holding them close to you. Let go only when the air is decontaminated.’
And what happens if at the critical moment ‘you feel the need to decorate the toilet in the worst possible way’? The authors suggest coming over all 50 Shades of Grey and ducking to the loo in the pretence of grabbing the paper for some fantasy loo-roll-play。
But in truth, the classic, 'I'm off to powder my nose,' would probably suffice。
So could this new dating bible be the next Amazon number one? Judging by the frenzied interest, potentially, yes. But we think.。.
it’s more like a number two.
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想知道如何在約會時，或者更糟的是，在床上時，去上廁所卻不失形象的妙訣嗎?這本新書教你突破約會中的最后一道禁忌。
談到約會，潛在的雷區(qū)真是無窮無盡。比如說，何時主動出擊?何時見家長[微博]合適?
但由于一本新書的流行我們可以判斷，人們常被各種爆炸性的問題困擾。《首次約會時想去上廁所怎么辦》已成為了亞馬遜圖書商城上的熱門話題，當(dāng)然，這也是至關(guān)重要的問題。
這本售價5英鎊的《約會寶典》可以解決約會時所有與上廁所有關(guān)的問題。從突然想上廁所尷尬時怎么辦到如何掩蓋異味。
這本書的作者馬茨(Mats)和恩佐(Enzo)花了五年時間調(diào)查，最終總結(jié)出了與上廁所相關(guān)的智慧。
“吸引人的秘訣之一(不管是初次約會還是戀愛關(guān)系的其他時候)是保持完美”。人際關(guān)系學(xué)者在這本書的引文中寫道。
“然而，每個人都是凡人，這就意味著，你總是會不時地需要去上廁所。”
“奇怪的是，這個重要的人類需求卻仍然是現(xiàn)代社會人際交往的禁忌。它可能在頃刻間摧毀一段正在蓬勃發(fā)展或已然建立完善的情誼。
為強調(diào)這一點，這本書以一個警示性故事為開頭。作者的朋友湯姆(Tom)對他自己與女友的關(guān)系很有信心，因此他竟在上廁所時，不關(guān)廁所門，與女友交談。
不用說，湯姆非常錯誤的判斷導(dǎo)致了他最終與女友分手。
“我們決不允許像上廁所這種芝麻綠豆的小事破壞上萬人的完美關(guān)系，”作者解釋說，因此“如何如廁”成為一個橫梗于他們之間的問題。
作者承認女性有著比男性更好的上廁所的習(xí)慣，她們的成功秘訣是從不在約會時排便或是排出胃脹氣。
“約會時如何排便”是約會中上廁所里最為棘手的問題，它成了亞馬遜上的熱門話題。
馬茨和恩佐因此以男性為例寫下了144頁的廁所指南。但他們指出，在所有例子中，性別都是可以轉(zhuǎn)換的。
這本書是“如何排便”三部曲中的第三部，(緊跟著“工作中如何排便”“度假時如何排便”)它包括了在雞尾酒會、貢多拉(意大利一種特殊的水上工具)或飛機上等各種場景中，想上廁所時應(yīng)該怎么辦。
但如果你希望從他們五年的調(diào)查中獲得一些改變游戲規(guī)則的建議，那就是，不要蹺二郎腿。
這本書提出的建議至少是很復(fù)雜的，它主要針對約會時如何不受上廁所等令人討厭的生理需求的影響。
如果你在一個飛往周末度假之地的航班上突然想上廁所，建議是：
離她(他)近一些。將一只手滑到大腿下，用力撞擊約會對象膝蓋。劇烈的疼痛會使他們尖叫，并從座位上一躍而起。
然后呢?和你的約會對象一起跳起來，盡可能將食物或飲料灑出來，從而為自己找一個需要去洗手間的好借口。
這本書還建議，在雞尾酒會上，可以這樣說：“我得去續(xù)杯了。”
“我去取些小點心過來”或“抱歉，我想和……說說話。”
如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)你在約會時陷入一個糟糕的窘境——突然特別想去廁所該怎么辦，別驚慌，翻到113頁，你會找到解決辦法。
這本書的作者還煞費苦心的指出，確保你去廁所時悄悄地回來與悄悄地離開是一樣重要的——這是很多人常常忽略的一點。
這些建議千奇百怪，比如他建議當(dāng)你上廁所發(fā)現(xiàn)沒有廁紙的時候，可以撕墻紙來擺脫窘境。
那么如何擺脫難聞的氣味呢?“快速找一瓶香水噴在身上，大量地噴，然后找到你的約會對象，緊緊地抱住她，直到周圍的空氣不再有異味了再放開她。”
但在重要時刻，你想解大手時怎么辦呢?作者建議盡量獲得可以充當(dāng)廁紙的紙，如將手頭上的《五十度灰》快速翻完，撕下紙以備用，沖向廁所。
但是事實上，經(jīng)典的“我想去一趟洗手間”就可能讓人滿意了。
那么這本新的約會圣經(jīng)會成為下一個居亞馬遜書單榜首的書嗎?在狂熱的利益驅(qū)動下，也許會的，但我們認為……
它也許排第二位。
